Monday, November 4

Just Keep Swimming

I've written this post half a dozen times.

I can't seem to get what's in my head onto a screen, coherently.

And I'm exhausted.

It's been a rough few months for me.

Really, I think it's mostly normal life stuff but it's still been rough.

Life is hard, man.

And I've been struggling.

Ryan has been away a lot.

I'm feeling further away from him than I have in a long time and I'm not ok with that in the least.

We've had some issues with Kadyn, a few serious ones.

I think I'm getting better at handling myself but, in combination with Ryan being away, Graysen behaving less than stellarly and other life stresses, sometimes I lose it.

I've been feeling overwhelmingly unappreciated, unimportant, disrespected, taken for granted.....

And I've been feeling like I am nothing but someone's mother.

I ADORE being the Mama of my boys but that doesn't mean I don't want for more.

I'm really pissed off that my photography plans have pretty much gone in the shitter.

Not permanently by any means but definitely for the foreseeable future.

With no sitter and an often absent husband, I just don't have the time to learn and practice, uninterrupted.

I've done all the learning and practicing I can and to move forward, I need uninterrupted time and space.

Children know NOTHING about time and space.

'Uninterrupted' is a concept as foreign to them as Chinese foot binding is to me.

And so, for the last couple months, I have not done much of anything.

I've been depressed, exhausted and feeling lame.

Let's be honest - being a SAHM and nothing else is NOT exciting.

It's just not.

I let my sad-sackedness pull me down and I didn't want to admit it.

Part of my life's current problems are out of my control, they just are what they are. But I could be doing more or doing different.

I am not.

No one wants to admit that they are sucking.

But, Friends, I am.

I am (mostly) sucking at life right now.

I forced myself to deny that fact for a few weeks before pulling my head out of my ass and seeing my reality for what it really is.

I don't expect this revelation of sorts to magically fix or change my life but I can make life suck less for myself.

I've got my ass back in the gym, for starters.

(Such a stupid circle that is. I LOVE the gym but once I stop going, it's freaking hell to get back into a routine. Why is it so hard to get into a routine of doing something I love? Dumb.)

I've involved myself more in Kadyn's school - You're looking at the new VP of PAC! (Oh, man! What a story that is!)

I'm going to start writing again.

I am going to restart my search for educational options for myself.

And I'm going to put myself out there for things I might shy away from.

Take risks, be brave, try new things, all that jazz.

If this all seems simple and regular to you, I agree. It is.

But every so often I get tired of trying so hard at life.

It would be really nice if sometimes things could be easy, opportunities could just fall into my lap, answers and choices and directions could be clear. If I could just catch a break.

It seems like that's what's happening to everyone around me.

Seems.

I try to tell myself that I'm not them, I don't know what they did, have done, what have you to get where they are or to have what they have.

Maybe they did work crazy fricken hard to get where they are and it only looks effortless.

Maybe I should stop paying attention to everyone else, get off my ass and focus on myself.

Maybe that would be a damn good idea.

Maybe.....

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