Tuesday, March 26

The Story of Us Part XV

August 6, 2012 marked 11 years together for Ryan and me.

Eleven years together, six of those married.

I love our story.

From the first 18 years of chance meetings and unbelievable coincidences to the last six years of marriage, parenthood and figuring out, well, everything.

I never want to forget how we came to be or all that we've been through to get here.


Catch up with Part IPart IIPart IIIPart IVPart VPart VI Part VIIPart VIII, Part VIIIIPart X Part XIPart XII,  Part XIII and Part XIV.


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Before returning to his old job, Ryan and I sat down and discussed expectations. 

Ryan also sat down with his boss and laid everything out in regards to how much out of town work he would do and how he would need more than a few hours off between trips.

Things would be better.

And we wouldn't be buying groceries on credit.

We finished out 2011 on a mostly good note with tons of optimism for the future.

In January, some restructuring was done in Ryan's department and he was made supervisor.

Part of the deal was that Ryan and his crew would be in town pretty much always.

He would also get a company truck and a big raise.

This deal sounded fantastic!!

And it was.

I noticed a change in Ryan - for the better. He enjoyed his role as supervisor. It was kinda cute actually. And I was happy because Ryan was home almost every night and we were getting back on track financially. Family issues continued but things were ok between Ryan and I.

I blogged for most of last year so reblogging it all would just be redundant. However I did go on hiatus for the last three months of 2012.

Once again, life got the best of me.

Around the time Kadyn started school, a bunch of changes happened (again) in Ryan's department leading to Ryan having to work out of town again.

I started worrying immediately. 


For one, I had become far too used to Ryan being home.  But worse than that, I foresaw us heading right back to where we were the year before - hives, insanity and an almost always absent husband.

But Ryan promised this time would be different - which it would be regardless of him or his job.

Kadyn was starting school, Graysen had long outgrown his colic, I'd gotten a (somewhat) better handle on the boys and I had my license and my own vehicle - all of which would make life easier for me when Ryan was out of town. And hopefully a bit easier on the boys.

I still didn't like it. I HATED Ryan being gone. Even just for a night.

But spending nearly a year in town, doing the same boring jobs day in, day out was wearing on Ryan. Plus because he was doing easy in-town jobs, he wasn't getting the raises some of the other guys were getting.

I decided to be trusting and optimistic - yes, it was a conscious decision. One I had to remind myself of many times.

Unfortunately that trust and optimism didn't last long. 

By late October, early November, I just couldn't do it any more.

Graysen had a serious accident which required two surgeries, multiple check ups, drops, swabs and stitches. There were some minor-ish complications and we had no idea what lasting damages there might be, if any. My mother was still out of control and causing problems - with unbelievably impeccable timing. Problems arose among friends, I was constantly stressed about it and I had no idea what I should do, if anything. I was feeling completely lost as a person and not dealing well with really anything that was going on in my life. The last few years of stress and shit was piling up on me. And I was falling out of love with my husband.

Ryan and I had been neglecting our marriage for years.

We didn't have anyone we could ask to babysit the boys so we could go out, just the two of us. Other than evenings on the couch after the boys were in bed, we were lucky to be able to leave the house without the kids maybe twice a year.

Ryan is a bit of a workaholic. His dedication to his job and strong as hell work ethic is something that I have always admired about him. Unfortunately his family has paid the price for this much more than we should have.

We stopped paying attention to each other. Or rather Ryan stopped paying attention to me and eventually I stopped paying attention to Ryan because I kept trying and getting nothing in return. Ryan used to leave me little notes here and there, I have a binder full of love notes he wrote me before he left for work each morning and he used to make me feel like I was his world. Somewhere along the way, all of that stopped. 

I don't want to say that I blame Ryan for the state of our marriage but I kind of do. I DO NOT absolve myself of all responsibility by any means but I had told Ryan so many times how I was feeling, that we needed to put effort into our marriage, that I was feeling us drifting. We, for a time, went to marriage counselling - which was GREAT! Until our counsellor moved out of town. I asked Ryan to find another counsellor but he never did. I had suggested that we find a way to have a date night at least once a month, we would alternate the planning each month and it didn't have to be anything fancy, there just needed to be thought and effort.

I think Ryan did one date night. Over the course of a year.

Birthdays, holidays, tuesdays...they were all the same.

I'm not a woman who wants or needs to be showered with lavish, expensive gifts to feel wanted and loved but I do like to feel special and to feel worthy of thought and consideration.

I didn't feel any of those things.

I felt unloved and taken for granted.

I felt completely unsupported and separated.

I felt like I had three children - and not in the funny way women joke about.

I began to resent Ryan and his job.

Being a supervisor meant he was on call to some degree 24 hours a day, 7 days week. And people would call him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. A day off was never a day off. Ryan was always on the phone, reading or writing emails and texts, distracted from us.

I wished so hard that Ryan would put the same amount of effort into us that he put into his job. Even half the effort would have been a serious, serious improvement.

The severity of the state of our marriage hit me when I realized that I no longer missed Ryan when he was out of town. I actually looked forward to my evenings alone, without Ryan. I wasn't bothered at all by our complete lack of intimacy. I was ok with our coexistence and even started thinking about if and how I could support myself and the boys on our own.

The camel's back broke when Ryan asked me if he really needed to be home for Kadyn's first parent/teacher conference. After I stressed how important it was for him to attend - something I didn't feel I should have to do in the first place.

How could Ryan even ask me if he needed to be there?!?! How can he not WANT to be there?!?!?

How many more times are we going to be shoved aside in favor of Ryan's job?!?!?

WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING HERE?!?!?

One evening after the boys were in bed, I told Ryan EXACTLY what I was thinking and how I was feeling, no sugar.

I've always been honest but I do love the guy so I try to keep the harsh bitch to a minimum.

I told Ryan that I was disgusted that he didn't deem Kadyn's FIRST parent/teacher conference important enough to miss work for. I told him that I was incredibly hurt by his reaction to me thinking about going back to school - not only was he unsupportive, he was discouraging. I told him that I felt that I had pulled him along into into this life, that I didn't think it was really what he wanted and that I really had no idea what he wanted because he so rarely said or did anything other than agree and go along with whatever I said or wanted. And I told him that the disconnect between us had been going on for so long and was so deep that if I was working and had the means to support myself, I would have already left.

I HATED saying this to Ryan. It hurt my heart so much. I know it hurt Ryan, too.

But I needed him to know exactly where I was at. As much as I wanted out and as unhappy as I was, I did want to fix our marriage.

I was holding tight, tighter than ever, to the memory of what we used to be.

This was my last ditch effort.

This was it.

We either shaped up or I shipped out.


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Next week: Sink or swim...

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