Thursday, June 14

Laying It All Out II

In keeping with the shit-tastic posts this week, I have one more rant I need to expunge.

Like most of my frustrations in life, it is family related.

Here's the score:

My family consists of me and (I'm still holding out hope) my grandmother.

I have not spoken to my father since I was 16. He was verbally abusive from about age 11 or so. I left at age 16 when it turned physical and I pressed charges. I truly believe nothing good could ever come from having him in my life. He will never meet my children.

My father took his entire side of the family with him. Goodness knows what he told them but I'd bet it's nothing pleasant. In the last 13 years I have only very briefly spoken to my father's half-sister a small handful of times. That side of the family is incredibly dysfunctional in a way I don't think I can articulate. They are manipulative, spiteful game players. EVERYTHING they say or do is very carefully calculated and NEVER what it seems.

As you read earlier in the week, things are not so great with my mother. (Hello, understatement of the the year.) I'm not sure where things sit with my grandmother. That's kind of day by day due mostly to her old age and the health problems that come with it. My grandfather died when I was 8. I did not get to spend a lot of time with him but he was a great man. My uncles are both deceased, one before I was born and the other when I was very young. The rest of the family lives on the other side of the country and save for holiday cards I send to my great aunts, there is no contact.

And then there is Ryan.

He doesn't know his dad. So that story pretty much ends there.

I haven't seen his mother since Kadyn was 18 months old, which was also the last time she saw Kadyn. She had never met Graysen. Ryan has seen her a very small handful of times since then. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail because it's one thing to bad mouth your own mother, it's entirely different to bad mouth someone else's. (Even if she's a horribly mean and spiteful bitch who has said things about me people refuse to repeat.) Really all that needs to be said is that she is not at all in our lives.

Ryan also has a younger brother but because of the problems with their mother, they have grown significantly apart. And that really sucks.

We are not close with the rest of Ryan's family. Part of it seems to be because of the issues caused by Ryan's mother however we thought we worked through that years ago but we've grown no closer. I hate that after 10 1/2 years together, I am not close enough to ANY of Ryan's family to call them up to chat. Or to call them up for any reason at all. And a small few of them have made it clear that they don't really wish to have much of a relationship with us. Aside from sending us Facebook messages asking us to wish one of the boys a happy birthday when we haven't spoken in over a year and they completely did not acknowledge our other boy's birthday.

Seriously. What is it with people using Facebook for family drama?

So, from where I sit, it's Ryan, the boys and me.

I love us and we are a pretty awesome foursome but it breaks my heart that the boys don't have grandparents at all. No aunts, uncles or cousins....

For a while I was trying to force relationships between all of us.

But why?

Mostly for the boys but why do I want to FORCE people to be in their lives? That's just absurd. Especially considering their actions have more than shown they do not deserve to be in the boys' lives. And *I* am left trying to explain to Kadyn why he can't go to grandma's house. Or why he never sees auntie anymore.

That's fun, let me tell you.

I so badly want to have a big extended family. But you can't force that.

And I am so very tired of wasting my energy on people who do not deserve it. Not only do they not deserve it, they SUCK THE LIFE out of me.

I'm just not doing it anymore.

There are people in our lives who greatly deserve our energy. People we actually like to spend time with, people who are so good to our boys, people who CONTRIBUTE to our lives, not take from it.

We could maybe even find MORE of these people if we weren't so busy wasting our energy on sucky people.

And I just want all this negativity OUT of our lives.

Via Google

I've been watering the weeds for far too long.

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