Monday, June 11

Laying It All Out

So I went on a bit of a hiatus. Obviously.

I had planned to shut this blog down permanently and start a new one but.... I didn't.

I thought a fresh start would be good. But I dunno.

I've just got too much shit going on. The idea of adding even more shit makes me want to get a full body massage from a fork.

I shut my blog down because of my mother.

You have no idea how much it kills me to say that. It gives her much more power than she deserves.

But I didn't and do not want her knowing any part of our lives at all.

The things she has done and the problems she had created have FAR exceeded anything I am willing to deal with.

I haven't talked much about this because, well, I just don't want to. But also because it kind of feels wrong to dish family business on the internet.

But I need to purge this shit out of my body.

The details - in point form because, seriously, this could be a trilogy of shit.

  • Tension started in January/February of 2010. She had some sort of breakdown, quit her job and that's about all I know about that.
  • We didn't talk for about 4 months before Graysen was born - she showed up unannounced in the delivery room the day Graysen was born. We did not want her there. She did not care.
  • Tension continued and we rarely talked.
  • She asked to meet with me to explain what has been going on with her and try to fix what is going on between us. Her explanation wasn't really an explanation but I accepted it for what it was and resolved to move on.
  • She pretends to be a model Grandma to friends and family and on FB but she has no interest in doing anything more than just watching them in real life. And by watching them, I do not mean babysitting. I mean sitting on my couch and watching them. To be clearer she TOLD me she does not want to help with the boys. She does not want to help bathe, clothe, change, feed, put to bed, play with, etc, etc, etc. That is not the kind of grandma she wants to be. Her words. Not mine.
  • She makes promises she has NO intention of keeping and I catch her in lie after lie after lie - all of which she vehemently denies. In fact, she is offended that I would even insinuate the notion.
  • In August of last year she tells me she found a train set she wanted to get the boys for Christmas. She asks if we will go to the store to look at it and let her know if it's something we'd like the boys to have. I tell her that the store is completely out of our way and I do not know when we will be able to get there but we will try. I also tell her that I could look it up online if I knew the brand name, she does not know it.
  • I do not get back to her about the train set in the time frame she set - but neglected to inform me of -  and, in mid-September, all hell breaks lose. She goes back and forth between telling me she can no longer afford the train set and telling me I took too long to get back to her so she's simply not going to buy it. She tells me she will not be buying ANYTHING for the boys for Christmas.
  • Emails go back and forth where she tells me she feels she should be able to buy the boys WHATEVER she wants and we should just let them have it. In her opinion what Kadyn and Graysen's parents want for them is trumped by what their mostly absent grandmother wants for them.
  • Then it turns into us only buying and wanting the most expensive designer clothes and toys and accepting nothing less. And she can't afford it. (Probably because she hasn't worked in a year and a half. And also because she is making shit up. Unless Old Navy turned designer when I wasn't looking.)
  • She also feels that I should be making more of an effort. That even though I have two small children and a husband that was often out of town, I should be calling her to chat in the evenings after the boys are in bed, I should be making plans with her, etc, etc, etc. Because it is clearly much too hard for her unemployed self to do most of the 'work' right now.
  • She started making passive aggressive FB status' about me. When I called her on it, several of her friends attacked me (one even called me a "B." Not a bitch. A "B." My mother felt that this was perfectly acceptable.) I removed her from Facebook.
  • Then she started with the texts. Childish, rude, inflammatory. Unreal. I stopped responding.
  • She tells me she can no longer afford the college funds she started for the boys and she will be cancelling them. I offer to take them over so the boys still have them and so she doesn't lose the money she's already paid. This causes me nothing but grief. How dare I do her a favour.
  • She does everything she can to continue fighting with me. Like dropping off books she had at her house for the Kadyn with a completely unintelligible note. At 10 o'clock at night. With a text telling me there is a package at the door we might want to go get. We also suspect she randomly drives by our house.
  • I ask her for a picture of my late grandfather. I am making a shadowbox with his war medals. She turns it into "I did you a favour so now you owe me." What I owe her is telling her what to buy Kadyn for his birthday. I tell her not to worry about a gift - that's kind of how most of this bullshit started - she loses her mind, tells me I am only interested in a one way relationship where she gives and I take. I tell her she is playing childish games and I am not interested in playing. She tells me "This is not a game. This is reality." I don't touch that one with a ten foot pole. She ends up sending me a picture. It is printed on white printer paper and is unusable. All that for nothing. 
  • On Kadyn's birthday his great grandmother calls (coincidentally right after my mother calls and I do not answer.) Not wanting to walk into a mine field, I do not answer. Instead I have Kadyn call his great grandmother before he goes to bed. She puts my mother on the phone to talk to Kadyn behind my back. And then plays all innocent when I call her on it.
  • Out of nowhere a family member I have met twice for maybe a total of 3 hours sends me a Facebook message telling me how ungrateful I am, that I only have one mother who doesn't have a mean bone in her body and that what goes around comes around. At least I think that's what she said. Her spelling and grammar was that of a 6 year old.
  • I have another conversation with my grandmother. It comes out that my mother has been telling people that we asked her for money, she said no and now we will not speak to her anymore.
  • And I am DONE.

The final straw was my mother taking advantage of a 91 year old woman with dementia and turning her against us.

From her last email to me in October "But whatever happens, don't bring grandma into this as I have not said a word about this argument to her.  I would like to think that she will get to see her great grandchildren when you and Ryan have the time to go to see her."

Not gonna fucking happen now. Every time I talk to my grandmother she flips out on me about my mother. And it's not for one second because of anything *I* have said to her.

There is obviously more to this story. A lot more. But I doubt I could write it all out if I tried.

I guess the only point of this is to tell my side of things. I have kept completely quiet about all of this. I do not need (or desire) to rally my Facebook friends against her or involve family who have no business in the middle of this. I am not interested in a never-ending fight with her. I don't even care to 'win' this utterly stupid game that is supposedly reality.

I just want it all to stop. Permanently.

And I want to say this:

You disgust me. Your behaviour is entirely abhorrent and you should be ashamed of yourself. You have alienated the only family you have and for what? Whatever the reason, I hope you are satisfied. I have NOTHING more to say to you. And I have absolutely NO desire to have any kind of relationship with this hateful and deceitful person you have become. I don't wish bad things upon you. I don't wish anything for you really. I just want you to leave us alone. It's what you asked for and I have done my part. I wish you would do yours.

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