Tuesday, May 1

The Bagina Monologues

So yesterday was a roller coaster.

Crazy shit happens on 4 hours sleep and one cup of coffee.

Especially when you watch The View with your kid.

Graysen was down for a nap, I was eating lunch and watching The View, Kadyn was beside me playing with Lego.

The second or third segment of The View starts with Joy announcing that parents should usher their children out of the room as they were going to be having a discussion of a sexual nature.

For a half a second, I pondered this.

Then I figured if it is ok for daytime network television, it's probably nothing Kadyn hasn't already heard or nothing that I wouldn't talk to him about myself.

Besides that, he was way too into his Lego to care about The View.

Turns out it was a segment on the G-Spot.

I guess some old man doctor 'studied' an 83 year woman who had died - he called her a dead cadaver. Is there any other kind of cadaver? - and found the G-Spot.

This 'doctor' goes on to say something to the effect of "I can't be certain what effects stimulation of this area has as my studies were done on a dead cadaver."

TOTALLY paraphrasing here since I couldn't understand a thing this man was saying.

He pronounced vagina as va-gin-a. As in the gin you mix with tonic. Not va-jyn-a, va-GIN-a.

This is why I watch The View.

For the Va-GIN-a.

The G-Spot segment is almost over when Kadyn looks up and see a picture on the screen.

"Is that a heart, Mama?"

"No, babe. It is not a heart."

"Oh. Then what is it?"

I have to interject here to tell you that Kadyn knows his basic boy parts. We are very age-appropriately open with him and I have no problems talking about sex with him - age appropriately, of course.

However we have never talked to him about girl parts.

And I mean never.

I don't think he's ever even heard the word 'vagina.'

It's not that we didn't/don't want him to know. It's just never come up.

Part of me didn't want to confuse him and part of me was just waiting for him to ask.

(I'm not a 'sit down, let's have the birds and bees talk' kind of parent. I'm more of a 'you ask and I'll tell you' kind of parent.)

So Kadyn asks me what the picture on the screen is....

It's a standard issue, Chicago Bulls, set of female reproductive organs.

So I say, "Well, you know how boys have a penis and testicles...."

(Here's my first clue of how this conversation is going to go.)

Kadyn stands up and gasps in astonishment, puts his hands over his private parts and says "SSSSHHHHHH!!!!!! Don't tell anyone!!!"

Because I am so tired, this is MUCH funnier than it should be.

I compose myself.

"Dude. Everyone knows you have a penis and testicles. All boys have them."

He side eyes me like *I* am the party responsible for spreading this top secret tidbit.

(Pun intended.)

I continue, "So all boys have a penis and testicles, right?"

"Uh-huh..." Kadyn replies cautiously.

"And your penis and testicles are your private parts, right?"


"Well that is a picture of girls' private parts."

"Oh!" he says, as if he was expecting the worse news ever and is pleasantly surprised that that is all the information I have for him.

"And," I say, " Girls' private parts are called a vagina."

He gives me a face not unlike this one:


And says, "Huh!? A Bagina?!"

Now I realize that this is probably not ACTUALLY as funny as I found it yesterday.

It's your standard kid-mispronounciation.

But, listen, my kid is funny as hell.

And on 4 hours sleep, he is fucking hilarious when he says 'bagina' for the first time.

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