Tuesday, April 24

Let's Talk About Sex

I've been giggling and snorting along with Kris at Pretty All True over her youngest daughter's adventure in Sex Ed. If you haven't read them, you definitely should. They are hilarious!

There's the flaccid penis story, the road trip story and a lesson in familial differences.

I was reminded of my own traumatizing Sex Ed story. To this day I am embarrassed for my 13 year old self....

It was a little over halfway through 9th grade and I was barely a month into a new school.

Luckily the Sex Ed portion of health class was saved for the second half of the year.

Doubly luckily was the good fortune of having our gym teacher double as our health teacher.

Picture the hilarious Fortune Feimster.....

Source
 Only shorter, older, with darker hair, more butchiness and much, much, MUCH less funny.

And put her in a fleece warm up suit, glasses and a whistle on a tether around her neck.

Yeah.

Sex Ed was awkward to say the least.

Every class ended with an anonymous Q & A.

Each student got an identical slip of paper to write a question on. All the little slips went into a big box, got mixed around and then pulled out at random, read aloud and answered.

The idea being that students could ask questions they would be far too embarrassed to actually ask in class.

Genius, right?

It is if the teacher uses a box larger than a shoe box and actually MIXES the slips up.

Because I was the new kid I got to sit at the front of the class more often than not - it was the only desk not taken.

Because I was seated at the front of health class, I was the last person to drop my slip in the shoe box.

Because there were 30+ slips of paper going into a small shoebox, the slips piled above the top of the box making it impossible to mix them.

And because this was 9th grade, everyone watched the top slips like horny little preteen hawks.

EVERYONE saw me hesitantly drop my slip on the very top of the pile.

EVERYONE saw the teacher choose my slip first.

EVERYONE looked at me as the teacher unfolded my slip.

And EVERYONE listened intently as the question was read aloud.

"WHAT IS DRY SEX?"

I sunk way, way, way down in my seat.

I put my head down.

I turned bright red.

I wished with all my might that I would turn into a tiny bug that could just crawl out of the classroom.

Instead I heard the teacher ask, "Does anyone here know what DRY SEX is?"

I closed my eyes.

Then I heard a boy (a boy who would later become my boyfriend) start to answer.

I tilted my head ever so slightly towards him and peeked through a barely open right lid.

Goofily starting directly at me, he said, "It's when you have sex with your clothes on. Like, you just rub on each other. It's also called DRY HUMPING."

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

How does this boy know this!?!?!?!

And why did he have to STARE right at me as he answered?!?!

Oh my god. I am mortified.

I hate this school.

The teacher praised the boy for his bang on answer and I slunk lower and lower in my seat.

Thankfully the bell rang, class was over.

I sprinted out of the classroom.

Several students followed and teased, "You didn't know what dry sex is?"

"Of course I did! I'm not stupid. I just didn't have a question so I made one up."

We all laughed, made some inappropriate sex ed jokes and snuck out behind the school to smoke.

Dear god, I hope they believed me.

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