Tuesday, October 25
Blood is thicker than water.
I've never understood just what that is supposed to mean.
As someone who has been estranged from her father (and his whole family) for 12 years and now recently estranged from her mother (and her whole family), blood means nothing.
I am mostly over the loss of my father. I don't think I'll ever be fully over it but I have accepted it and I have moved forward. I know that my life and my children's lives are better without him. I miss the idea of a father but I do not miss him.
My mother on the other hand.....Well I suppose that relationship ended two years ago when she had some sort of breakdown and disappeared for several months. but it wasn't really 'official' until very recently and I am utterly confused and completely speechless.
I knew from an early age that my father didn't want me. Any relationship we were to have had conditions, impossible to meet and ever-changing, and his go-to threat was disowning me. Estrangement was inevitable.
Through all this, my mother was (sorta) beside me telling me that her love was unconditional, that she would NEVER disown me and that we would ALWAYS have each other. For many years we were very close. Without my mother and my grandmother, I don't know where I would have gone when I left my father's at 16. In fact, there have been many times in my life where my mother and grandmother have been all I've had. I could not possibly even begin to express my gratitude for all they have done for me.
And then, it all fell apart.
I don't know what happened. Or why.
All I know is that my mother is "walking away, moving on and enjoying life."
And, while she is enjoying life, I'm sitting here, crushed.
I don't know who she is anymore. I was excluded from her life for over a year and when we did reconnect (rather what I thought was reconnecting) she was still so distant, vague, secretive and dishonest.
On top of that she told me didn't really want to be a grandmother.
Well, her words were that she didn't want to help with them - feed, change, clean, clothe, put to bed, play.... basically anything. Other than sit and observe them??
I don't know.
I won't bore you with all the details but the bottom line appears to be that I am not the daughter my mother wants. She sees me as my father and always will.
Plus she's gone bat shit fucking crazy.
Unless it's normal for fifty something year old women to act like teenagers, make passive agressive Facebook status' (Oh, Facebook....) and engage in gossip and name calling.
My point in all of this?
Viscosity don't mean shit.
You can't choose your family?
My entire 'family' has walked out on me.
My completely unrelated friends know more about me and my life than anyone I share blood with. They have a far better relationship with my children than anyone I share blood with. And they have made more positive contributions and given heaps more support in the last two years than anyone I share blood with.
I am not for one single second discounting anything my mother did for me years ago. But that mother does not exist anymore. I am holding as tight as I can to those memories in the hopes that they overshadow my current view of my mother.
And I am moving on.
Focusing my energy on those who deserve it.
Making my own family and filling my life with people who add, not take away. People who WANT to be in my life. People who accept me for who I am.
Framily for life, bitches.
Monday, October 24
Back to blogging.
Except a bunch of crap happened and the entire week went down the poop shoot.
So here I am.
Ok, so it's Monday. Not entirely afresh.
In any case, HALLOWEEN IS ONE WEEK AWAY!!
I love Halloween.
Everyone dresses up and runs around like crazy fools and people give you candy.
Halloween just might be the only thing the economy hasn't completely ruined.
I pulled my Halloween box out a few weeks ago and was thoroughly unimpressed. Half the decorations were broken and the other half was old and tired. I never really like most of it anyway.
For a second, I considered not even decorating this year.
I know!! What is wrong with me?!
But seriously. It's been that kind of month.
And then I got on Pintrest one evening.
When I was done pinning (37 days later) I decided I was going to make myself a Halloween wreath.
And so I did.
Not too shabby, eh?
It's not entirely what I had in mind, although I don't really know what I had in mind, but I'm fairly satisfied with my first crack at wreath making.
Cute and simple.
I also got crafty with K-man. We made milk jug witches!! And I'm quite impressed with them!!
(There are little cutouts in the back for a little flashlight or button light so they light up, too!!)
And yesterday evening we put up our decorations.
Again, not my favorite but not bad for a $20 Walmart kit.
And now the countdown begins!
Just seven more sleeps until trick or treating time!!
I cannot wait!
I love taking the boys out just as much as I love seeing all the littles come to our door. Not only do I love seeing all the costumes, I get a sick, sick, sick satisfation from tossing a handful of sugar into the bag of someone else's child.
Muah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
This year I am very pleased to be handing out a horribly delicious assortment of Allan Candies!
I know many families who deal with nut allergies. Halloween is probably the scariest time of year for them - and not because of all the ghouls and goblins running amok.
(Amok! Amok! Amok! Amok!)
(I'll send a bag of candy to the first person to guess that movie quote!)
First of all, they are a Canadian company and all their Halloween candy is made in Canada.
Second, they have a HUGE assortment of individually wrapped PEANUT FREE candies - Allan Intense Jubes & Jellies, Allen Chewy Rascalz (Big Foot, Sour Big Foot, Green Thumbs and Hot Lips) and Allen Fruit Buddies (Sour Watermelon Slices, Peach Slices, Sour Cherry Slices, Tangy Wild Strawberries and Sour Grape Slices.)
I love, love, love that Allan Candy has such an awesome line up of peanut free treats! While we are not personally affected by food allergies, I am happy to know that we won't be sending any kids home with anything other than an INTENSE sugar high!
(I gotta have it, really need it to get by...)
(Guess the movie, get a bag of candy!)
And I just might pick out all the Sour Grape Slices and Sour Big Foots and hide them. They are ZOMG DELICIOUS!
If I don't eat them all up before October 31st.
Seven sleeps, people!
(Disclosure – I am participating in the Allan Candy Company program by Mom Central Canada. I received compensation for my participation in this campaign. The opinions on this blog are my own.)
(Candy giveaway open to North American residents only.)
Tuesday, October 11
But I really dislike this PC (it has no freaking spellcheck!!) and ALL my stuff is on my Mac, which is still broken. I don't expect to have the money to fix it for another month, at least.
Stupid husband keeps picking wrong lottery numbers. Ugh.
I'm so going to divorce his ass if he keeps this up.
So yeah, I'm kinda stuck here.
I don't really have any funny stories or annecdotes or anything really.
I have a TON to write, but the accompanying pictures are all on the Mac. I have a TON of Conversations with Kadyn but, again, everything is on the Mac. I also have a new feature I want to start. But, you know....the Mac.
I have a TON of bitching I could do, which does not require the Mac at all, but given the mere thought of typing all that bullshit out sends me straight off the biffy, I can't imagine what reading it will do to you.
Plus Ryan's gone again this week and us left-behinders are always chip, chip, cheer-eeeeeee when that happens.
Either way I miss you guys and I have some commitments to fulfill so I'll be half-assing it here until the man figure finally picks the right friggen numbers.